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she calles me clariesse i call her anita
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| wow |
[Jul. 9th, 2007|11:27 pm] |
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so it says that I haven't posted for 21 weeks. Right now my life is a little crazy. I am going through many changes. Everything is really stressful that I feel like I am going to have constant panic attacks. Trying to destress and seperate my work from my personal life is really hard for me to do. Tonight is the first night since April 12 that I have went to the gym to work out. It felt good and reminded me how important it is to keep exercise in a persons life. How good a work out can feel. How nice it can be to try to take ones mind off thoughts through physical exercise and sweating. I wish I could update this more. I really need to take more time to myself and do things that I enjoy. I remember how much nicer it felt to be able to put my thoughts down, to get them out of my head. Hopefully I will take time out of my day or week to keep this thing updated. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 11th, 2007|03:53 pm] |
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SO Long time no update. I havent showered since Friday morning and strangely enough I dont really feel all that dirty. Dusty and I are still together. It will be a year since we have started dating as of March 25. Kind of scary really. I guess that I never figured it would go this far. I don't say that in a bad way, it is just that I didn't expect him to put up with me for this long or to sneak past my radar the way that he did. So far he is a pretty good guy. He cooks well. What more could a girl ask for aside from a very cute little puppy? I have a new Job at work as our Agency Manager. I pretty much just find apartments and soon businesses to resell our services for us. Its not sad bad. I think I am doing alright and soon I should everything ready so that I can approach businesses. I have had to get used to walking in heels which isnt very easy along with wearing obnoxious dress up clothes. My complete debt right now is probably close to 3 grand. It makes me uncomfortable knowing that but soon I should have that all paid off. I may have to get my own apartment soon. I dont like that idea but oh well. Tonight its chinese food. Best chinese food in town is Royal Peking and I am very excited about it. I have also been doing alot of Laundry to get Dusty's apartment clean. Its a mess. Oh well that is life right? Well time to go shower. You better believe I am excited about this! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 31st, 2006|12:36 am] |
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So its quater till one and im awake thinking about you. Life is different without you. I am different without you. Maybe things are better but it doesnt mean that things havent gotten worse. I miss you. Sometimes I wish I could be with you. I am so far from being with you. One day things will work out. Until then, I guess that this is as good as it gets. I miss you. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 10th, 2006|12:39 am] |
he spoked to me and i talked to him. It was great. I heard his voice. he heard mine. he told me I am like home to him. and he misses me. I miss him too. i wanted to talk so much that I wouldnt shut up. I didnt want to get off of the phone with him, I felt bad for keeping him on the phone for so long. But it felt so great. we talked about all kinds of things. giggled. cried a little bit. but laughed lots. I think he may go to watch pirates of the carribean 2 with john and i. I think it will be nice.
I asked Dusty tonight if he still had feelings for Mandy and he said yes. But that they were friends. I guess that is okay, but sometimes I wonder about him.
Dad told me if I wanted to see Leo that he would give me a plane ticket to do so with. Its exciting. I may take him up on that offer.
I will have to ask Leo what he thinks about that. Well time to go to bed. I have to rise early.
Oh yes. I ran 1/4 of a mile. yes thats not alot but on an incline it kills my calves and feels good. but I will run more tomorrow morning.
Later! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 7th, 2006|10:20 pm] |
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So I am not going to lie, Things are good. But I still miss Andrew. I miss him so very much. I miss everything about him. The way he kissed my forhead and called me kitty kat. The way he smiled, said my name. The way that he touched me. held me. cuddled me. snuggled me at night. I wish I could have just one more day as his companion and that it was a very long day. like in groundhog day. well gtg. ill post later |
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| i did it |
[Jul. 5th, 2006|10:32 am] |
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So I did it. I am not sure what this will accomlpish, but I did it. I emailed him letting him know exactly how I feel. It was hard bc I am already vulnerable when it comes to him and the last thing I want to let him know is how weak I am at the moment. I think if he were to tear into me one more time in the way that he has in the past that I couldn't take it. I might go completely insane. On the brighter side of things I have thought about taking up running to hopefully curb my feelings of depression. wish me luck! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 2nd, 2006|10:04 pm] |
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I think its time to call me pathetic. I miss him, we all know this, but to sit and cry holding a ku sweatshirt i bought when we were together to go to my first ku game with is insane. I sat there and cried bc i missed him and wished that he would be here. I am truely pathetic. I probably have one of the greatest men now sitting downstairs watching tv and I am crying holding my sweatshirt for my ex. and to top that off I fall asleep for hours laying next to who should be my current bf but I still cannot let go of my ex. What is wrong with me? |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 28th, 2006|02:30 pm] |
so here is a list of all of the chaos in my life
work - 6 days a week
Jacob Moore passed away from a drunk driving accident.
I am still going nuts bc of Andrew. He really can be a jerk at times and why I cannot stop loving him I am not sure.
I really wish that Derek never sent those flowers so we would have never had that argument and then we never would have broken up.
But now I see his ugly side, his dark side and see what kind of person he really is, so in a way its good. But I really do miss him.
I have dreams about seeing him, the most recent was that we were in another country and both of us were at a dance and I was supposed to be
getting married to some guy ( no clue) but then I saw Andrew so I went over and started to dance with him and he told me that he missed me and I said
that I missed him too. Then he kissed me a few times and somebody saw it and was yelling about it and so the person I am supposed to be marrying sees
this and chases me all over this town that I am in and I kept hiding from this person bc I didnt want to marry him. It really was an odd dream.
It just goes to show how crazy the mind is.
I think Jamie is mad at me as she is not returning my voicemails. But once again I am not sure bc she is not answering my calls or returning my voicemails.
Dusty. Well He is a great guy and I am enjoying my time with him. I still wonder what he sees in me and why he was put in my life.
Liz is going to work at SFBB with me. I am really excited about this. Well I am not sure what else to write.
LaTER! |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 21st, 2006|10:05 pm] |
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did you know that when your heart aches it really aches. That is all that I wanted to say. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 11th, 2006|11:15 pm] |
SO things are hard, They shouldnt be hard. Not this hard. ever.
He said such mean thing. I know that he didnt mean them, or I hope that he didnt mean them.
Why do I love him so much. why do i Care so much. why why why?????
he could tell me that he hates me and i would still love him just as much.
I want to move away from here. I think just pick things up and leave. Not tell anyone that I am leaving until I find where I am going. Really that sounds bad but I think it would make things easier. I wouldnt have to see him or think of him dating anyone else. It wouldnt make me crazy and weak in the heart and mind everytime i saw him, there is so much i want to say but cant. Does he ever stare at my picture like i do his? I am just curious is he ever feels when i am thinking of him. why is he the way that he is?I wisht aht he wouldnt be so mean at times, it rips me apart and i break down and cry. And i cry so hard that it hurts. and he hurts. and i wish for the pain to stop. I wish i could commit myself to the pyschiatric ward but it costs money. and money doesnt grow on trees. And then to top it off Dusty speaks to him today. He shouldnt have done that. Infact I really wish that he didnt. but I guess andrew believes our break up was mutual, which if I remember right I was the one who did the breaking up. but if it makes him feel better to believe that it was mutual then so be it, I dont want him to hurt anymore. and if he wants to tell dusty that i demanded a ring on my finger thats fine. I didnt demand it, i just said if you want to be with me then marry me bc i am not going to waste anymore of my time on a relationship that is going to go nowhere. I dont really see that as a demand. BUt WHATEVER! if it makes andrew feel better then it does. I know Dusty only did it bc he cares. I know he is tired of seeing me cry and seeing me hurt. I told him he shouldnt date me, he didnt believe me. oh well. I am not sure what else to write right now. My mind has gone blank, aside that i want to live far away from here. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 11th, 2006|10:41 pm] |
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why is this so hard? |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 9th, 2006|12:22 am] |
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I think my heart strings are being tugged at here and i feel as if everyone is pulling me in every directon possible. I guess I just want to be alone right now. |
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| Heart Surgery |
[Apr. 19th, 2006|07:50 pm] |
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So I am really bummed bc my Grandma is having heart surgery tomorrow and I just found out maybe an hour ago. I think I am going to go take a shower and then go see her in the hospital. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 15th, 2006|05:24 pm] |
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So I saw Andrew last night and it was really weird at first, but then it got better. At one point in time it almost felt as if there was never a break up. And then I went to Dusty's afterwards and almost couldn't bring myself to staying there bc of how much I still love Andrew. After being there for a while things felt better. I guess it was just an odd night in general. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 10th, 2006|04:59 pm] |
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well hmmm so much going on in my head |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 24th, 2006|11:18 pm] |
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wow, so its been awhile since I wrote. I am tired. and I am confused. lots of things going through my mind. and Im hungry. the show is on the 7 of april. Im really nerovous about that too! |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 11th, 2006|09:17 pm] |
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so things are really odd right now, classes are hard, but relationships are odd. its weird how things turn out. how friends keep. poor aaron is getting a divorce, andrew and i are split, and now there is a new guy. its weird how things are,just weird. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 26th, 2006|03:20 pm] |
hey liz our song is on! gotta stay fly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
anyways, well did my brisk walk/job of a mile today. i need to keep this up!
why? bc the show is april 7 and i was dumb and commited myself to it.
so andrew is threatening to end everything if i take a job bartending at hooters for 2 nights a week. he is an ass. not much really going on, school threatened if i didnt pay my tuition that they would administraitivly withdrawl me. yup so that sucks, got to find some money to fork out soon right? dad said he would pay half of it. well time to go dry my hair as i just got out of the shower. oh yes! and i have talked to lots of people lastnight that i hadnt talked to in awhile, i was going down my phone book in my cell phone and calling everyone to catch up. most people seem to be doing fine. i still need to finish going through it to catch up with everyone. well talk to y'all later! |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 23rd, 2006|11:05 pm] |
do you know that things are really much harder than they appear to be.
I am trying to make it seem like they arent, i think that i am doing a good job.
no one else has been able to pick up on it. its just hard because there are lots of decisions to make. lots of things to think about. well time for bed! NIGHT!
and of course
to Bob Burns
I say HELLO BOB! |
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